"Can anybody tell me what Christmas is all about?"

Spotted this atrocity exhibition in the SkyMall catalog last week.

Now, as an apathetic agnostic anti-theist, I'm not offended at all in a "religious" sense, since I have no "religious" sense to speak of. However, I can understand how the pious would be offended by this interpretation of the Birth of Christ, just as they are probably upset by other bastardizations of the traditional "nativity set": the Dogtivity, the Moosetivity, the Peeptivity, and the thousands of other "traditional" but still made-in-China representations of the virgin birth. I'm pretty sure that Charles M. Schulz wouldn't have approved this set if he was still living.

This Peanuts Nativity Set is not only offensive on a taste level (it's too tasteless to even be considered "camp"), but historically inaccurate as well. The description says the set "recreates the classic Christmas pageant scene from A Charlie Brown Christmas". As someone who has watched the broadcast every single year since age five (and can recite almost every line of dialogue), I can assure you, this scene is not in the program. Not even close. If they wanted accuracy, they should have just made a bunch of the Peanuts gang dancing, or just Charlie Brown, Linus, and the little stick tree. And for the record, while there were "generic" yellow birds appearing in Peanuts beginning in the early 1960s, Woodstock (the little yellow bird playing Jesus), wasn't introduced into Peanuts until June 1970. This was well after the first broadcast of A Charlie Brown Christmas in 1965.

Plus, I just don't understand the roles in this lawn nativity set. Woodstock is Jesus, Sally is an angel. Linus and Charlie Brown are both holding staffs, so does that make them shepherds? Or is Charlie Brown supposed to be Joseph? Lucy is probably Mary, but what is Snoopy? The innkeeper? A wise man, er, dog? It's just way too confusing. Never mind the weird inter-species implications.

But fear not! There's an even more elaborate actual Peanuts nativity set for tabletop use, which makes a bit more sense. Here, Charlie Brown and Lucy are Joseph and Mary. Pig Pen, Franklin, and Schroeder are the Wise Men. Linus is a shepherd (or is he the Innkeeper, per the original special?). Sally and Snoopy are angels, and Woodstock is still Jesus. It just makes my head hurt.

I guess what Lucy said about the holiday in A Charlie Brown Christmas was right: "It's all run by a big eastern syndicate, you know." (Or, in this case United Feature Syndicate, Inc.)

Good grief.